"The Twilight Saga: New Moon"

Dearest The Internets-

So, as mentioned in my last post I saw New Moon last night. (Neener neener, I saw it before you!) Just kidding.

Guhhhhhhh...where to begin? Let me preface this review by saying that I am a big fan of the Twilight Saga books. And now, to slaughter all your hopes and dreams...

 (awesome screencap courtesy of: me!)

The movie was...boring. This is not a total surprise, however, because "New Moon" is actually my least favourite of the books. I find it dull and painful to read. How much time can one spend reading about Bella's pain and anguish? PASS! The movie managed to capture the essence of the book completely, which I guess is a good thing if you enjoyed reading about Bella Swan's misery for hundreds (feels like thousands) of pages. I did not. So you can see that I went in with a bias.

Throughout the movie, I found myself not being able to pay attention (see: texting, staring at the ceiling, squirming in my chair, etc). I also found myself quietly snickering at parts that I'm almost positive weren't meant to be funny. I will admit that as soon as Bella and Alice get to Volterra, I started to enjoy the cheesefest more. Unfortunately, it's already a little too late by that point, no? The studio wants to tell you that the movie is 130 minutes long, but I think that's a farce! This movie is actually a VAMPIRE and its 130 years long. Or at least that's how long it felt.

New Moon Twitter  texts:

10:17- NEW MOON!

10:36- LOL @ glittery edward

10:54- I don't care what anyone says, kristen stewart is a horrible over-actor.

11:13- Not going to lie, kinda disappointed. 

11:14- But the soundtrack is good. I hate bella.

11:19- SPOILER ALERT: Jacob is really buff!

11:20- Jacob just took his shirt off. That's good.

11:43- SPOILER ALERT- Jacob is a werewolf.

12:17-They're in Volterra. This movie no longer sucks. Much like the book, I guess.

12:39- SPOILER ALERT- I think there's going to be another movie.

Can you feel my pain?

And can I please talk about Kristen Stewart, the queen of overreaching? I can't stand her style of acting. Remember that episode of Friends when Joey was talking about his acting method? AKA "smell the fart?" SOMEONE took that advice a little too seriously. KS, I'm talking to you! I'm not sure if its entirely her fault, though, considering she is playing Bella Swan- one of the most annoying literary characters to ever walk across a page of a book. Wah wah wah. Wah wah wah.  I can't stand her (Bella). There, I said it!

So take all of the above mentioned,  combine it with cheesy one-liners; oozingly cheap special effects; ridiculous contacts and make-up that could have been better done by a Junior High Drama Club and you've got yourself New Moon! Wrap it up in a golden bow and take that puppy to the bank!  The kids will love it! Really, they will. And that's sad.  As a fans we seriously deserve more/better, dammit! Maybe in Eclipse?

New Moon positives: The Volturi, the scenes in Volterra,  Dakota Fanning (!!!), Jacob Black sans shirt, the soundtrack. And did I mention Jacob Black is often shirtless? The werewolf fight scene betweet Jacob and Paul was also pretty wicked.

2 out of 5  GENEROUS cupcakes

Now if you'll excuse me I have a beautiful, yet ridiculously sparkly, vampire to attend to!

Love,

ekg♥